Sunday, January 25, 2015

I've been receiving lots of questions on Twitter and I'm happy to answer some of them, although I do want to take some time to work on my own inner self and goals. I made some big commitments for 2015 and writing my blog helps me greatly. Anyone who writes knows that the more one writes, especially utilizing "automatic writing", the better one writes with special projects.

When the subconscious mind "opens", the creative Self comes forward and simply knows what is needed. I'm sitting here waiting for the "double blizzard" to hit us starting tomorrow. I'm hoping that we won't lose power. I don't mind being snowed-in, but having to worry about all the things that "loss of power" brings, tends to close my creative least in areas that don't have to do with "survival and safety."

 Let me answer a few questions that seem to keep repeating themselves...

 **Many people who are over-weight or obese are "afraid" of food. They tend to starve or binge. This keeps the blood sugar and other hormones very imbalanced. Eating like this causes weight gain. The body systems NEED nutrition and so if you aren't eating the foods your body needs to function, it will go into survival mode and break down your lean body mass. Obese or over-weight people always have a small lean body mass, sometimes anorexic, and a large body fat percentage. This needs to be reversed and is accomplished through high level nutrition. Remember, the biggest stress the body experiences is "food stress." You do want to change this.

 **Just because everyone in your family is over-weight, obese, has diabetes, or other chronic disease states DOES NOT MEAN that you have to go down the same path. While you have a "tendency towards something" you can re-route. If you don't, then you will go down the same path.

 **If you think you can't lose weight then you won't. That's how the mind works. But...losing weight is not the correct goal. You want to burn fat and build your lean body mass. When you do this, then you will never have to worry about your scale weight again. The good news is that eating high level nutrition is so enjoyable and easy, that is IF you want to experience it. There are roadblocks, many caused my your own mind and other people in your life who will sabotage you. Remember, it is your life and you are the one who will experience the outcome of your behaviors, no one else. If you eat incorrectly, your fat will be yours along with all the chronic diseases and cognitive issues. Your choice! it's time for me. Yesterday I worked hypnotically with my Masters. Today I'm having a Board Meeting with them. I have some direct questions that actually came out from yesterday's meeting. I had active dreams last night where some of the "messages" I received came forward inside new images. Some were old, but others were new.

 I've dedicated this year to organizing my research into a reasonable order so I can write eBooks. Unfortunately my research and experience is huge, so I keep falling into procrastination. In a way, I'm fearful of even attempting to correlate all of this. If that isn't enough, I have a strong desire to publish two novels I've written following the loss of my son Michael. These books ( or books to be ) are very meaningful to me and I do want to complete these projects. So...I'm meeting with my Spiritual Guides/Masters to ask for assistance.

I do accept that I can't do everything, BUT I find myself "avoiding" instead of facing my work and "enjoying" it. I've been in a state of depression following my son's death, and while this could be a factor, I need to utilize the energy from my grief/depression and transmute it into a flow of energy that moves my desires along.

 I'm going to the Board Meeting as I write this. I enter by way of meditation and a focus on the noise of my dishwasher. Strange but true. It has a good cadence that I enjoy. It's like mechanical music. My breath has slowed and I'm entering a spiral staircase...counting down. The door to the Meeting Room is below. I see/think it. I enter. It's not a regular room, but a series of big stones around a small fire. I'm directed to a stone. Interestingly, it's not hard, but very comfortable. The fire dances before me taking me deeper down. I look at my Spiritual Guides/Masters. No one is saying anything. I let go of my expectations. That's me, always expecting something...comes the message into my mind. Oh, no secrets here. I'm completely vulnerable.

They know me, even though I don't think I know them. I'm corrected...we all know each other for we are "one." OK..I'll buy that. I'm told to "shhhh." The flicker of the flames draw me in. I'm quieter now. I thought I was quiet before, but obviously not so. I feel myself smile inwardly. I feel something in my hands. I look down at a beautiful clock. I've never seen one like this before. I seem to know it's a "life clock."

Across my mind I notice things lining up. I don't know what they are. I'm told that I do know. The things lining up are speaking to each other but I cannot hear the conversations. I'm told to "shhhh". I sense myself going deeper down. I hold an instruction to gently open my eyes. I do so, even without an effort. My eyes seem to follow the directions on their own. That feels good. I'm in my my desk. I'm at peace. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. In the background I hear "shhhh."

Thank you...I am Grateful.

 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
President and Program Designer International Medical Health Writers, Ltd.
Lincoln, RI + 400 mp3 Download Now Sessions
Twitter Handle - ELIZRN
 Full Interactive Blog - Anatomy of the Inner Self


Saturday, January 24, 2015

Climbing the Four Steps...Over and Over

In my last blog post I set up the four steps to what I call "High Level Health and Performance." For me, the first step was the most difficult and it was here that I either tripped or found myself unable to move....a special kind of procrastination that lives inside or BESIDE disorderly eating. There is a difference, and understanding this concept was vital to my long term success. It still is.

The idea that disorderly eating is over forever is a dream, especially when it has been deeply embedded in the subconscious mind and has so many tangents or triggers. After living with myself and then working with clients over the decades I've seen just about everything. Staying in what I call "high level nutrition" is a challenge, but one that is very worthwhile. You might wonder if I stay in this place....well, most of the time, but not all of the time. For me, I have learned to eat healthy meals based on my nutritional needs and genetics, but I will wander over into the sugar or salt area on occasion. Believe me, it took quite awhile to achieve this level of food sanity, so I am grateful.

 The steps are very important to my food sobriety. Without them I believe I would slip back. There are times when I need the second and third step to manage life chaos. This is done right in the moment. The fourth step, the imagery/imaginology step is vital to clean up and replant a more powerful image.

Let me give you an example from my own life. As I'm writing this I'm thinking what to choose. Part of me wants to discuss something "big" like the unexpected death of my son, but I don't want to go there. That wouldn't be as useful to you as some everyday experience, so let's go to the "office candy jar" and the cookies, cakes, bagels, donuts brought in by fellow employees.

My inner child is screaming, "Tell them about driving home past the pizza place." Yes, that is one of "her" favorite stories and challenges, especially if we are going to be alone for dinner. Being alone is a big trigger for "us." Remember, I'm a "secret eater", so when I don't have to hide it makes the whole process much easier.

 I think I'll stick with the junk in the office. In the beginning I wasn't all that aware of how much stuff there was. I was blind to it..."comfortably blind." As I started to be "mindful" and practice "high level awareness" I was stunned, not only with how much stuff there was on a daily basis, but how much of it we ate and how often we ate it. There is a habit called "walk-by eating." Most of my colleagues had candy jars on their desks supposedly for guests or staff who stopped in for some sort of conference. Sitting in front of a candy jar all day is a dangerous activity. I began to notice that colleagues were drawn to different candy jars, always taking a it was nothing.

Every Monday I noticed the candy jars being refilled by their owners. On and on it went. When I came to the Knowledge that I couldn't have sugar like this, I retired my candy jar. I can't tell you how many people remarked about it. "Where's the candy?" So, I wasn't the only one with the problem. 

Getting rid of my candy jar needed some special "step work." My thoughts, emotions, even body sensations kept me in procrastination. The "child-self" suggested that I put it in my bottom drawer or filing cabinet. What a dangerous suggestion...but very cunning. "No," said my Higher Power. "Out it must go." The child replied, "It's wrong to throw out the candy. Give it to someone else." Cunning again. "No." It was to really "go." But where? My Higher Power told me to put it in the garbage bin of the building where we worked. The "child" came with me screaming all the way. As I threw it into the bin I asked for "forgiveness" and promised not to replace it. I returned to the "second step" and spent some time in mindfulness, gratitude and full release of the pattern. Was I never to think of this again? Of course not...BUT..the image of the promise and full release was placed subconsciously.

Each time the thought returned, I placed an X on it and returned to the second step....thankful. One of my colleagues had a jar of pretzels on her desk. My child-self jumped to the opportunity. My mind was filled with "suggestions"...often loud ones, that "pretzels were not like candy" and we should visit Brenda more often.

Becoming aware of how food works in your particular body is vital to self-management. Becoming aware of the messages in the mind, the body tension connected to those messages, and the emotions connected to the body sensations is a complete revelation. Personally, I found it overwhelming and frightening. I knew from my health review that I could not have these things, especially in the beginning and also between meals due to the insulin issue, but there was my "mind"....thoughts, emotions and a very tense body literally pushing me off the chair and down the hall. I found myself "dizzy" with the child-self telling me that "if I had a pretzel I wouldn't faint." Notice the embedded fear tactic.

 So, how does one come to manage this? First there needs to be Knowledge about the needs of the body and mind to keep the blood sugar levels stable. This is where "insulin" needs to be understood. Next, there needs to be motivators. For me it was about my huge hunger and fatigue. I didn't want them ever again. They were connected to anxiety attacks and once I knew this as a fact, I could plant those fears and dislikes into my mind. I also knew I had to eat the foods my body needed to protect the insulin release and at the same time to start correcting the hyperinsulinemia. Yes, this is very different from focusing on weight loss and dieting.

 Practicing the first three steps and then adding in the fourth step is an ongoing process. The book I wrote many decades ago is still a best seller online. There are mp3's that go along with the ebooks. I've found this to be the most successful application of my work. The books are written in "Interactive Self-Hypnosis" and then reinforced with the mp3 Sessions. They are available on The link is below.

 I'm often asked "How long does this take?" I must admit when I'm asked that I feel like running away from telling the truth. Addicts or people who live disorderly lives do not want to know the answer to this question. It's like handing them an excuse for not starting. But here's the doesn't end. It must go on for as long as you live. There is no other way to a life of high level health and achievement. But, let me add this. The rewards are huge, and are not only health related. As discipline is brought to a sector of life, all other areas benefit.

The practice of mindfulness, managing emotions, thoughts and body sensations carry huge benefits to the entire mind, body and Spirit. When one is in balance with life, one is closer to one's Higher Self and Higher Power, however you see that for yourself.

 God Bless...

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
President and Program Designer International Medical Health Writers Ltd. Lincoln, RI

Twitter Handle - ELIZRN
Full Interactive Blog - Anatomy of the Inner Self

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Things I Didn't Know

I know I've written about this subject in another blog entry, but this word "hyperinsulinemia" is destined, and rightly so, to come up again and again.

I'm addressing some of my food issues and my personal history with "disorderly eating" that almost took my life as I know it. As with alcoholics, people with food issues often have to hit rock bottom before being forced into a change. Rock bottom is not the same for everyone. This was one thing I came to know. I have to say "I was delighted to learn this, but at the same time I honestly didn't want to know it."

 Life teaches us many things...some welcomed and others "not so much." The time and money I spent dealing with my food issues could have filled a bank vault. I never paid too much attention until I graduated from high school. I was always athletic and could eat large amounts of food without gaining weight. I was never fat, never plump, but certainly not skinny. I was a competitive roller skater during my high school years and held a part time job after school and all day Saturday. I remember having horrendous hunger and couldn't wait to go to lunch. In the afternoon I would sometimes have a "low period", but there was always candy or something around, so I never felt faint or shaky.

As I look back to those years I was definitely "hyperinsulinemic", but this was managed with large amounts of food. I didn't eat much junk in those days and candy was never an everyday thing, but I could eat a very large sandwich with chips and a giant bowl of salad. I remember my mother criticizing the amount of food I could "put away." She was still into wanting to control my appetite, but since she worked out of the house I was free to take care of myself.

Hunger was always an issue for me. Today it is still an issue, but since I've controlled my hyperinsulinemia and insulin resistance, I don't have what I called "I could eat the wallpaper off the walls hunger." I'm also very careful about "walk-by eating." Those early rules of sitting down at the table to eat and even to use good china, glassware and cloth napkins still holds to this day. Many of my other rules that I'll get into somewhere down the pike in this blog still hold true for today. For example, I shop from a LIST and don't buy anything that is processed.

That rule was a tough one during my "early days." There were times when I had to leave my shopping cart in the aisle and go "sit in the car" until my "unbalanced child-self" stopped bothering me. In the early months I didn't allow myself to go down certain aisles in the supermarket. The soda aisle fell into that category as did the cereal aisle. As for the bakery, I wasn't allowed to go there for at least six months and when I felt more control, I would only allow myself to read the labels. This was a great exercise for me because I hated to read the names of all the chemicals in the food. I'm petrified of chemicals in food, especially when I can't pronounce them. After reading the labels I would head back to the fruit department and purchase some berries.

The order in which I did this was important for me. If I had purchased the berries first, then I wouldn't have appreciated them as much. I really needed to understand that the bakery items had "chemicals." To this day I am turned off by this knowledge. When I first changed my eating I burned fat much too quickly. It literally fell off my body because of my level of exercise. It was not healthy and I suffered greatly from hypoglycemia, the reason being that my lean body mass was much too small. The lean body mass is our "fat burning machine."

 A person who is overweight is usually "over-fat". The scale weight is deceptive. For me, I went from a size 14 to a 6 in two months. I looked anorexic and felt terrible. My weight went from 155 to 115 and kept falling. For the first time in my life I was afraid of losing weight. I didn't know how to stop it from going down. Believe me, this was frightening.

The hypoglycemia presented itself like "anxiety attacks" and quite frankly, I was a mess. It took further research for me to understand what was happening and how to control it. One thing I found out was that I had to build my lean body mass while allowing the fat to keep burning. This is how athletes "who are healthy" manage to stay that way. I happen to need quite a bit of protein to stay stable. All of this depends on my exercise. There are foods that I stay away from completely, and others that I've come to like even though they were never favorites of mine. I do have a couple of video's on YouTube and I will transfer them over here, but not today.

It is so important to understand the relationship of the body fat percentage to the lean body mass. If one burns more lean body mass, the body will return to fat storage when the "diet" is supposedly over. You can see this all the time with programs that are advertised on television. Notice all the refined carbohydrates provided in those meals. Yes, the scale weight will go down, but this is the lean body mass burning off. This is why there is rebound weight gain. For me, I weigh around 150, but still wear a size 8=10 which is healthy for me. I walk six miles a day, mostly with my dog. If it snow, I have a treadmill.

I will never stop my lifestyle changes. Why would I? As for my "imbalanced child-self", I'd like to say she is a perfect little angel, but she is not. She still talks about the binge, but mostly in a sing-song way with me. She gets excited around the holidays and if allowed, would fill the shopping cart with all sorts of @#$%^.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
President and Program Designer
International Medical Health Writers Ltd.
Lincoln, RI
Amazon Author Page

Twitter Handle - ELIZRN

Resilience Garden

The night I came to understand how frightened I was of my "addictive self", I came face to face with an image that represented it. It was nothing more than a child, but what a child it was. Over the next few weeks I was to understand the power it had over me. The "understanding" was only partial because the "origination" went so deep into my psyche. There were places I had no recollection of ever experiencing, many of these empowering this child-self who seemed both innocent and toxic.

While I had experienced the toxicity, I never paid much attention, nor did I ever decide to take it apart and analyze it. When the child realized what my intention was, there was an incredible resistance, rather like running head first into a brick wall. I came to understand that it was going to take both courage and commitment to work through this, and it was most likely going to take time. 

When patients ask me, "How long is this going to take?" I remember my own experiences and shudder at the truth. I try to re-frame my answer in a way that will not frighten or discourage anyone, but to stay somewhere in the realm of the truth. We are not all built the same. Some of us have more resilience than others built over the years. Those of us with a stronger amount can take a bigger dose of the truth.

For me, while I was resilient, when it came to my eating issues my resilience was weak. Realizing this, I decided to utilize a technique I'd developed many years ago for my oncology patients. It's called "transmutation." I would relax deeply, take myself to my "special place" in my mind's eye, locate my "resilience garden" and empower myself. Then, I would take that "power" and bring it to my "eating or food behavior garden."

 Building a resilience garden is something we can all learn to do. You can do it through journaling, drawing images, or through meditation. I think it's best to utilize a journal or draw images, THEN...plant these during meditation. When the mind is at a higher focus, the images can go deeper into the subconscious mind.

 If you are working with my programs, have a look at the ones designed for building resilience, managing emotions or even those designed for affirmations. There are many of them and all will work for you. Then, open a journal just for this work. I gathered my resilience from surviving following the death of my father when I was three. I don't remember much before that, but since that event was so seminal in my life, it created a starting point.

This was when I first remember experiencing fear and loneliness. I still have left-overs from those early years. In fact, I was just discussing this with my husband today. I was left alone in our house from the age of four. When I see a four year old I can't believe how little and vulnerable she or he is, yet when I was four I was considered "old enough" to be responsible to be alone. T

Those years were filled with fear about so many things. I remember locking myself in my room and hiding in my closet with some food I would gather from the kitchen before heading up the stairs. While these are painful memories, I was building resilience through these years. My worst experiences were from the age of four through ten. That is a lot of resilience. Resilience is cumulative. The more you experience, the stronger you become IF you choose or remember to utilize it. The good news is that all of it can be "transmuted" and applied to any area of life. More about this in a later blog.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
President and Program Designer
International Medical Health Writers, Ltd.

Twitter Handle - ELIZRN

I'm currently reviewing all of my programs, just "as if" I was my own patient...  Here's what I'm listening to today... I want to improve my memory recall for the purpose of going deeper into my subconscious mind files. I also want to enhance my self-discipline and time management for High Level Achievement.  I have a lot to accomplish for 2015!

Rules of the Road

 If you are following along with me, I just finished reviewing the night I realized my deepest fear...that of "myself." There is a part of me ( it still exists ) that is cunning and dangerous. Strangely enough, I like this part. She is creative and fun, but also can be dangerous. She is my addictive self and is always ready to suggest some "nonsense" to take me off the Path I've committed to traveling.

Oh, how I wish I could go off with her and have crazy fun without having to "pay the piper." What would it be like to eat all the things that smile out to me from the shelves of the supermarket, the restaurant menus, the fast food joints, the liquor store, the endless desire to buy things that appeal to me even when I don't need them. What fun not to get up with the damn alarm clock, get in the car and just go wherever I wanted without any responsibilities to anyone. What would it feel like to erase the past and just to "escape" from everything. What if I never got sick from eating a gallon of ice cream, an entire pizza or a foot long hero sandwich with all the trimmings?

One day I wrote a list of all the foods I would eat IF I wouldn't get sick. The list horrified me. I was beginning to know how very sick I had become. Then I made a list of everything I would buy if I had no limits or had to face the bill at the end of the month. I sensed the joy I had when purchasing things, or even ordering a cocktail in a restaurant. Just the thoughts made my mind race to a super-happy place.

Opening my dark place was becoming an enlightening, but frightening experience. So, it wasn't just about food, but much more that needed tending. My "garden" was full of weeds, despite my being a successful professional, mother, wife and friend. I suppose one might say I was a "fraud." It's difficult for me to look at myself through that lens, but then again that is only a judgment that indicates where changes need to be made.

This information is very important for me to heal on very deep levels. This is what this year is about. From my work in the field of nursing and clinical hypnotherapy, I knew a lot about "dark places" of others besides myself. Perhaps knowing my own dark place, and being willing to explore it further, would help my patients as well as myself.

I'm not new to this exploration. I've done it for decades, BUT since my son's death the exploration has taken on a new "context." I could only explain it by saying that "I feel like I'm being led to a Higher Place, and that in order to go there, I must clean up some of my dark areas." I decided ( or to be more accurate ), I've been directed to review my own work "end to end". That means listening to every one of my mp3 programs, and to read everything I've written, both in my books and journals. This is a big assignment. I've been given no deadline ( funny metaphor ). I'm also to finish writing the books I've been given to do. Looks like I'm going to be quite busy!

 As I return to the night of my "big fear", I wrote in my journal that I finally stood up and walked into the kitchen. My journal was on the kitchen table. I sat down and wrote a few rules that seemed to be dictated to me from a voice speaking to me from within. God, I wanted a drink! The first rules were simple. I was not to eat except at meals. The meals were to be at specific times. I could have snacks, but they were to be at certain times. ( Oh, I was not liking this.)

 Then came an odd rule. I had to eat "at the table" which was to be set with my best china, cutlery, glassware, linen napkin, and with a fresh flower in a vase. When I packed my lunch for work ( no fast food or food ordered in ), I was to do the same. I was to keep the china, cutlery, glassware, linen napkin, etc. in the office. My food would be packed in "new" attractive plastic containers, and each day I would be serving myself something delightful. "Oh my goodness. This was becoming a real chore." The truth was I never made plans about anything. I ate whatever was in the fridge. I ate in front of the television if I was alone, if family was home, I ate while cooking, then just sat with them. No one ever seemed to notice.

 Now...I had these rules. The child part of me was screaming, BUT....she liked the idea of the formality of the setting. That interested me. Why? As time pasted I began to was a beginning to my inner healing. Today I'm reviewing an mp3 called "The Mountain." It is a hypnotic journey into my past, and then up the mountain to the "summit." I love this program. You can find it in my Catalog on my website. The link is below. It's in the Learn Self-Hypnosis Series.


Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
President and Program Designer
International Medical Health Writers Ltd.
Lincoln, RI
Twitter Handle - ELIZRN

Fighting my Inner Voice

As I look back at my past relationship with food, I don't believe I would have changed IF I had not gotten so sick with "hyperinsulinemia." For those of you who don't know what that "big word" means, it is pre-diabetes...insulin resistance and insulin overproduction. It is also called "Metabolic Syndrome" and "Syndrome X."

I couldn't care less what it was called. I honestly didn't know anything about it. I only knew what it felt like and it was very frightening. Throughout my life I had anxiety attacks, never realizing the reasons behind it. "Hyperinsulinemia" isn't something that happens one time. It happens over-time, and symptoms can last for decades. Sometimes they speed up depending on family medical history and personal dieting history, as well as exercise history, but other times they happen "on occasion" when certain foods are eaten out of balance or food timings are out of whack. I had no idea about any of this. All I knew was that I was a compulsive, out of balance eater, preferring to snack and not eat regular meals. I delighted in bingeing, but unlike some who binge, I did not usually eat large portions of foods. I did, however, eat continuously....a bite here and a bite there. I had no idea what kind of impact this had on my pancreas, liver and other organs in my body. I was blind to all of this....unfortunately.

Waking up to the truth was a frightening experience. I didn't trust myself to be able to control my relationship with food. Food was my answer to all was my major release tool AND it was deeply embedded in my subconscious mind along with the behaviors/habits that accompanied it. To make matters worse, I had a high level of hyperinsulinemia which meant that I would have problems balancing the amount of food I needed in relation to my exercise and stress levels. Strangely enough, I needed a lot of food, but the right kinds and at the right time. All of this was foreign to me. Asking myself to change everything and keep the changes "in motion" was the base of my fear.

I always considered myself an intelligent, successful professional person....easy to get along with and fun-loving. While all of this was most likely true, there was another part of me that ran my life in a disorderly fashion. This was my addictive self. Through the decades of my life it was my best friend and set all the rules for managing whatever stress came along...and there was a lot of that. I married at a young age, moved to Europe, had adjustment issues including being lonely and frightened. I answered the anxiety with sugar and carbohydrate foods, over-exercising and other compulsive activities. I was completely unaware of what was happening inside myself. The anxiety and depression, made worse by the hyperinsulinemia went undiagnosed for decades. This became my new normal as the decades moved along. My symptoms were seen as some sort of anxiety/neurosis. I turned to more secret eating, alcohol and prescription medications offered by doctors who strangely enough never asked me anything about my family or personal medical history or what I ate. There were always the usual questions about past surgeries, but nothing more.

When I came upon the information about hyperinsulinemia I was blown out of the water. I was happy and horrified at the same time. I realized how much damage I had done, frightened that I wouldn't be able to reverse it, and at the same time scared to death of that part of me that would not let me change. That part would rather kill me than help me. When I woke up to this reality I found myself frightened of ME. I remember the moment the revelation was brought to me....I must have sat for an hour in the chair before I could move into any sort of action. The fear was so huge that I was afraid to stand up and go anywhere. I didn't know what to do. In a way I was paralyzed.

Being afraid of "who I was" was an unraveling experience. I remember praying. I remember being freezing cold. After awhile I heard a little voice tell me to "move." I stood up and found a piece of paper. I wrote some simple directions to follow....beginning rules. It was "as if" I had been sent to some sort of rehab hospital and needed to be told everything in a step-by-step manner. I knew there would be many rules, but I would be well again. This seemed to be certain, most likely an answer to my prayer. I felt some energy flow back into me, but not like in times past when I would decide to "diet" or start an exercise plan. This was a very different feeling. I felt like my tired body had been given a new spark plug, but it was going to take a long time to get completely well. My compulsive self had been replaced by a patient self that was willing to walk the path step by step along with "whoever" was leading me in those early moments.


I invite you to review my books on and on my websites. The links are in the left hand column under my photo. I look forward to sharing with you. If you haven't downloaded my free mp3 on "Making Change", please scroll down for the link. The books I would suggest are on Begin with Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder Part One. We'll move into the other books soon.  If you have questions, please let me know.

If you have carbohydrate addiction or symptoms of hypoglycemia, you might like to work with one of my Sessions mp3 Programs on my website. If you need help in choosing a program, please let me know.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist
Twitter Handle - ELIZRN

Inside Disorderly and Secret Eating


Taking time to go back and review my past, especially my relationship with food. While I didn't start off to do this, the subject kept emerging as I continued to write "automatically" in my journal. If you haven't ever experienced "automatic writing", you might want to try it. I do have an mp3 Download for this technique. All my programs are Interactive Self-Hypnosis Sessions and are available on my websites.

 My food issues have driven my life. In the past I've beaten myself up about them, especially those kept "in secret." Many I've never shared, not even with those closest to me. Today when journaling I asked myself "why"? I'm past the guilt and shame, at least I think so. I have owned my past, and have come to terms with many things in my "shadow bag." I've just never felt that sharing was all that important, unless the experiences I had were going to help someone else. I did share some of my eating experiences with my patients, and also in my books.

This time around with my journal I've found more experiences coming forward, rather like garbage that I forgot to take out. Last night I shared some things with my husband who, for some reason, seemed interested in my resurgence into this topic. I guess he thought I was through with it, but as I told him, "it returned with a vengeance." I'm not exactly sure why, but it was triggered by my last visit to the supermarket and perhaps all the advertisements on TV about fast weight loss, etc. It made the hairs on my neck stand up.

 My subconscious mind went back to the exact day I began to live my life differently in my relationship with food. I haven't been divorced, but I can equate this to waking up one morning in a "different life." I had similar experiences in my life when I had surgery. I also recalled something similar when my husband had a small stroke, and then when we received the phone call that our son had died while rock climbing in Colombia, SA. I walked into a new life, and not by choice.

As for my my food issues, it was by choice, but not by all of me. My "undisciplined child-self" wanted no part of it and would fight with me for many months to come. I didn't walk into this day without some sort of plan, but as time wore on, the plan had to be altered many times, BUT I was determined not to go back to what I was doing. For me, because I'm a compulsive person and a high achiever, I found it easier to get rid of many problem areas at the same time. This was rough, especially for the "child-self" who screamed all the way through, even threatening me with horrible thoughts.

It was like living with a monster child. My saving grace was my Knowledge of meditation and self-hypnotic tools. But, I still had to deal with the changes my body was experiencing from the years of abuse. I wasn't going to get away so quickly. I equated it to walking through a dark forest with a twinkling of light coming through the trees.

Every day would take me closer to becoming free. I did the usual clean-out of the refrigerator, cupboards and my other hiding places. I threw out all of my diet soda, opening each can and draining the bubbles down the sink. I felt like crying. This awakened me in a way I had not expected. Goodness, I was so emotional over soda! I was taught as a child to never throw out food, so I spent a few moments asking for forgiveness and promising never to buy these things again. I had made mistakes and by throwing them away, I was rectifying my errors. "Nice try," said the "child-self." "Just wait!"

 I made a shopping list, gagging through it. I came to realize that I wasn't all that keen on healthy foods, and certainly not on meal planning. Procrastination moved right in, making it difficult for me to come up with anything rational for a week's shopping. The "child-self" yelled "no, no, no." I was taking away her spontaneity and freedom to eat whatever and whenever she wanted. She didn't want regular meals. "!@#$% that" was her nasty response.

 I remember the night I threw out a bag of jelly beans left over from Easter. I woke in the night thinking about them. Imagine, waking up and thinking about jelly beans??!! I was horrified to see these parts of myself emerge, even during sleep. The "child" suggested we take the jelly beans out of the trash, wash them off, and eat them in front of the television "in the dark." The ritual was clear and highly motivated by the "child." I could sense my body moving out of bed and towards the trash. "Just this one time," said the "child."

Oh, I had heard that story before and for decades it remained the same. There were so many stories, some more complicated than others, but all embedded in a ritual of sorts. The "Child" had many motivational tools and emotions, some cunning and others completely outrageous. On this particular night I fought her all the way into the kitchen garbage. I found the bottle of dish washing liquid and poured a good measure on top of the jelly beans, then shoved them down to mix with the other trash. I made my way to the sofa, but refused to turn on the television. I knew I had to break more of the ritual. I started a "body scan" also called "mental biofeedback."

Then, I turned to a prayer/meditation. I asked my "child-self" to sit next to me. At first she refused, giving me her back and calling me some vicious names and spewed threats. I continued to meditate and pray. I'm not a religious person, even though I was brought up in the Catholic church. I am a believer in a Higher Power and I knew I was being tested and would continue to be tested. This I had to accept. Strangely enough, there was a part of me that was "interested" in what those lessons would be and how much awareness I would receive. This response came through my subconscious mind. I came to find out in the days and months that followed that the journey would be arduous, but the growth would be in many more areas than just food. And...I would survive!!


 I posted a free mp3 download in the blog before this one. Please scroll for it. It is Affirmations for Change. If you haven't experienced Imagery and Imaginology in the past, you will get a pleasant taste of it here. I do listen to my own work. This one I reviewed again last week as I am into making new changes in my life for 2015. No matter what you are looking to change....big or small...this will help you to settle in.

 If you are working through any sort of "disorderly eating," be it for permanent weight loss, managing food or sugar/carbohydrate issues, or self-discipline, have a look through my Sessions on or on my websites. Some of my ebooks on Amazon come with mp3 downloads embedded in them. I suggest you begin with The Food Connection, even if you don't believe you have a sugar issue. You might be surprised, especially if your family medical history includes any of the killer diseases including diabetes, heart disease, circulatory disease, certain cancers, or addictions. It's time to wake-up and understand how your body physiology works in burning fat and staying healthy without hunger and fatigue. The links to all of these are in my last blog. If you have specific questions, feel free to contact me.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

My Rebellious Self


I'm in the process of doing a "life review" for myself and have invited you to come along. My purpose is to introduce you to "self-reflection" and the power it has to heal deep wounds that often lie silently, but never dormant. They are deeply connected to addictions, eating disorders and keeping us at the "wishing well" instead of living the life we want to live.

My eating issues have been with me for decades. There have been times when I thought they were being managed, but to be honest there was never a day when I didn't think about it. I wish I had all those minutes, hours, days and years back. I think about what I could have done with that time...but then again, I wouldn't be doing the work I've done for the past four decades. In other words, I had to live through my experiences in order to serve others. Now, here we are in 2015 and I find myself still doing this.

Sometimes I think about stopping writing and teaching. Part of me wants to put all of this away. My thoughts tell me that "I've taken care of myself. I've done the self-reflection. I've walked the long road. I've fallen down. I've struggled to get up. I tended to my wounds and entered an easier way of of health and self-management. So, I should just go home and enjoy my life. Right? "Not so fast," says my thought processes. I'm in the supermarket. I look around and feel that old desperation as I pass shelf after shelf of what I call "horror foods." I notice people placing these in their shopping carts. My eyes travel to see who would do such a thing. I ask myself, "Don't they know?" Boxes of crazy cereals...aisles of cookies and candy. Two aisles of soda and sweetened water. A complete aisle of bottles pretending to be juice. I notice the bakery is bigger than the vegetable department. "Where's the fish," I ask myself. A young man who stocks the shelves with the "horror foods" points me to an area no bigger than my walk-in closet. "There's our fish department." I walk over to find out that half of the offerings are not fish at all but artificial "fish" of some sort, mixed in containers with ingredients that include high fructose sugar.

I start looking in people's old habit of mine. When I began my "recovery" I wouldn't let myself check-out until I did a thorough review of what I had in my cart, just in case my "imbalanced child-self" had placed something in the cart while I wasn't aware. Sound ridiculous? Well, I can't tell you how many times I had to go and return items to the shelves. Why did I do this? That undisciplined part of me made up stories about why I should/could/will buy whatever she wanted. This was a part of my sickness....a part that was busy killing me, but here I was...assisting the killer and with an underpinning of dangerous laughter at "how I almost got away with it."

Supermarkets and fast food restaurants, pizza delivery, and bakeries played a big part of my food nightmare. I could write my own version of "war and peace" on these subjects, so my heart goes out to others who just don't know what's happening. Food is like a drug. The more imbalanced eating becomes, the more one needs those "horror foods." Getting free and balanced is a that excels all others in life. This is not an exaggeration, but one of the most serious truths one has to learn OR experience the consequences of deciding not to take it on.

As I go through my "life review", my journals and my memory bank I'm horrified at what I've done to my mind and body. I would have to add "spirit" to this grouping because I was not acting responsibly in taking care of what is often referred to as one's "temple." I was not only NOT taking care of it, I was killing it. My rebellious child-self was in charge, and the responsible part of myself was not only under her power, but needed what she demanded. My sickness went beyond food. I remember the night when I found myself bingeing on a pint of ice cream in the dark while watching a rerun of The Golden Girls. It was two o'clock in the morning. As I placed each spoonful in my mouth, I delighted at the sensation. In the background part of my self was telling me that I would want to throw up in the morning and I wouldn't be able to eat breakfast. I would be sick most of the day and most likely have panic attacks. "So what," answered the rebellious self. "I'm enjoying this, so leave me alone."

Living with a disorderly eating self is a nightmare. What's become more frightening to me is that there are even more people with these issues than ever before. As I look around and see not only the obesity, but the children and the number of medications needed in order to manage the precursors of the chronic and killer diseases, I know that I cannot just "go home and relax." My Higher Self will not allow me to do this. I am. I'm opening my "truth" through my journal and path of recovery, sharing once more. I know the task is impossible. Perhaps little will change from my endeavors, but I cannot just "go home." If only one person or one child is helped by what I've learned, then I've done what I've promised to do. When I prayed so many years ago, asking for answers to my illness, I promised to teach others. This was a commitment.


FREE MP3 - As a part of my "commitment" I will offer you a free download Interactive Self-Hypnosis Session. I'll change these weekly. These are not samples, but come from my catalog.

<a href="">Affirmations - Making Changes - Session One</a>


If you are serious about moving away from disease and towards health, I suggest you begin with the ebook..Sugar..the Hidden Eating Disorder Part 1....available on

There are 4 parts to Sugar..the Hidden Eating Disorder. If you click on the book image at the Amazon link you will come to know the 4 steps needed to manage your life food issues. The focus of Book One is the "Food Connection." This is not about dieting...but about how to change what you are doing and WHY. Each book is written in Interactive Self-Hypnosis Imagery, allowing you to program your subconscious mind as you read.

I invite you to connect with me. If you have questions please send me an email at
Here's my Twitter - ELIZRN

Anatomy of an Eating Disorder

For 2015 I've decided to dedicate my blog on to address the "anatomy of eating disorders", and the tangents that connect to any type of disorderly eating. These can be addiction related, cognitive, and disease-related.

Unfortunately, most of us walk this dangerous path. While we may not have blown-out eating disorders, my clinical experience, as well as my observations throughout the years have made this clear. You just have to open your eyes and look at the number of people who are over-weight, obese, even thin, but eating in unhealthy ways. The diet industry makes this worse.

This is a very personal issue for me. I've been a disorderly and compulsive/emotional eater for my entire life....well, at least from the age of three. Yes, I do know the "ins and outs" of the entire spectrum. You might say I'm a personal expert at this.

The seriousness of my eating disorder was a gift. It brought me straight into the I mentioned earlier, I was knocking at the door of adult onset diabetes, but that was not all. The anxiety and panic from food stress was making me a prisoner of my life. As a knowledgeable medical professional I did know that something was very wrong with me, but I didn't know exactly what that was and no physician properly diagnosed me, nor "asked the right questions."


When it became clear to me that I was "on my own" with all of my symptoms, I decided to consider myself "my own patient." I was always good at getting to the bottom of things when it had to do with my patients and their care plans, so now I had to do this for myself.

When a problem is multi-faceted like most nursing diagnoses, the nurse makes a care plan for all areas. This means asking lots of questions and doing thorough research on the presenting symptoms. I decided to begin my work with a journal and some meditative techniques. I needed a place to go to "center." Remember, my cognition or mind was as sick as my eating issues, so the beginning was rocky. I had to call on my "Therapeutic" Self to lead the charge and begin the discipline of my very undisciplined child-self.

Getting to know oneself deeply is both interesting and frightening. I kept thinking of the movie "The Exorcist." Coming face to face with this part of myself was perhaps the most difficult challenge. It's important to understand that an eating disorder is not only about the food. It has many tangents, it's own history and anatomy. There is a part, however, that is about the food, but often not in the way one thinks. There are genetic factors to be considered, as well as the damage already present from the over-production of insulin and what is called insulin resistance. There is the amount of fat that has been stored, as well as the small lean body mass that has been slowly destroyed over the years. All of these tangents need exploration, then discipline and motivation of that "undisciplined child-self."

The level of the task depends on the history of the patient, in this case myself, and how strongly the negative habits have been engraved into the subconscious mind. My background is in Oncology and Medical Hypnotherapy. I decided to treat myself "as if" I was a seriously ill patient, which I was. The Therapeutic part of me had to stay grounded, ready to explore and study the dark recesses of the "anatomy of my eating disorder." The journey was going to be both arduous and exciting.

 I wish I could say that the undisciplined part of me was going to fall into line easily, but that was not to be the case. I was about to become my most difficult patient EVER. MOTIVATION... Besides exploring the anatomy, I had to design motivation right from the beginning. No one moves into change without some sort of motivation.

There are two sides of the "motivation coin." There is positive motivation meaning that one goes towards what one wants. This is where "desire" comes into play. Then there is negative motivation, mainly based on FEAR.

I remember clearly my very first day of walking onto my new path. My undisciplined child-self was walking along side of me, not keen on any of this. She had been watching me closely, realizing that something was going to happen and she didn't want any part of it. I could sense the resistance in my body and my thoughts were bouncing off the walls of my mind. Many I call the "yes-no" thoughts. Yes, I should do this, and no I should not do this. You are probably familiar with this way of thinking. It's connected to what we know as "procrastination." This is the Therapeutic Self arguing with the Undisciplined Self.

Recognizing this, I used a technique I taught my oncology patients over the years. It is part meditative, part imaginology or visualization. I describe this in depth in my books and on my mp3 programs. We ask the subconscious mind to "wake" us to the thought, and then we detach from it. This is a release tool that works well for thoughts as well as emotions and body sensations.

The best programs I have for this can be found on my websites. One program is called Becoming Aware and the other is Mental Biofeedback. The program for Thought Management also works well. It's imperative to release or re-edit thoughts that are negative-habitual, especially those that have been hanging out in the subconscious mind for decades.

The Anatomy of the Eating Disorder helps to recognize where these originated. My early positive motivator was asking my Undisciplined Child-Self what it would not like to feel. The answer written in my journal was twofold. "I would like to be free of being tired and anxious." all I had to do was focus on a body/mind that was free of those. This is another hypnotic tool called "Interactive Self-Hypnosis."

My negative-motivation was a spin-off of the positive-motivation. I "suggested" that not following the plan I was putting in place would cause an "increase in fatigue and anxiety." Now, we were ready to implement the plan of change. Remember, we had to uncover the tangents, care for the Anatomy and the Physiology of the damaged body and also the mind programs. If you are new to my work, my mp3 Sessions are on my websites. . You can also find my ebooks on  The ebooks for disorderly eating are in four parts. If you have questions, please let me know.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Where to Begin...Always the Best Question!


For some reason I find myself inside my disorderly eating history. I questioned my journal, "why," and the answer appeared, "because." We learn from where we have been, and "for sure" I've been in a life of chaos from a very early age. The chaos was managed subconsciously by what is called an "eating disorder", so...this is "why."

We want to begin at the beginning. Sometimes we can identify when binge or a pattern of disorderly eating began. I mentioned that my first binge was around the age of three. This was the year my father died in an automobile accident. It was my third birthday. In those days family was waked from the home instead of a funeral parlor. I wasn't allowed to see my father in his casket, but instead was sent to the garden with a plastic bag filled with cookies.

 My next memory was opening the forbidden door to the living room and walking over to the casket. I remember yelling and someone pulling me out of the room. It wasn't my mother. She was in shock and remained that way for many years. This was the day I lost my childhood and became a caretaker. From that day forward my young life was filled with stress and fear.

Very early on I found solace in food. No one paid any attention to what I was doing. I don't remember ever being corrected. However, I was criticized by an Aunt who told me that "(I) you always have something in your mouth. You will grow up to be a fat pig." I'm sure she meant to help me, but I can still remember the feeling that flowed through my body....guilt and shame. From that day forward I began "secret eating." I think I was four or five.

While food was my solace, I was also a very hungry child. This was true physical hunger. My mother took me to our family doctor when I was seven because of my appetite. I was not fat...just hungry. The doctor gave me three little boxes filled with pills....amphetamines. They were cute boxes like little match boxes. The pills were different, green and yellow. Very appealing. I swallowed them before each meal, but still continued to be hungry.

I don't remember returning to the doctor. I simply didn't eat in front of anyone. My mother saw the problem as "solved." I share this because of the importance of a missed diagnosis. From the very beginning I was sensitive to refined carbohydrates. These were my secret binge foods and they kept me "hungry." I was a very active child, so I burned off the calories, but needed more. This became my "circle of horror." It was all a secret....that I never shared with anyone until many decades later when I finally understood what happened to me and what was still happening. I was lucky. I almost died.

You may not consider this luck, but the level of my illness from "food" and "disorderly eating" forced me to find out what was wrong with me OR perish. While this may sound like an exaggeration, it is not. As I became older, had children, and continued my food crazies, I found myself looking to alcohol and prescription medications to handle the anxiety....which was caused by the very things I was doing. My symptoms were as crazy as my eating. These included major fatigue, sleep disorder, pain throughout my body, dizziness, poor vision, instability, emotional roller-coaster rides, shakiness, etc. resulting in phobias that kept me paralyzed with fear of leaving the house. Doctors labeled me as "neurotic", depressed, anxiety-prone, etc. Certainly this was not a self-esteem builder! I truly feel compassion for that Self who survived so many years ago.

 No one ever asked me what I ate or drank. No one asked about my lifestyle behaviors or how I handled stress. No one asked anything... For a time I believed them, but there was always a little voice inside of me telling me to "find the truth." Through all of this I was a mother, wife and registered nurse. I hid everything...including the crazy bingeing that was well out of control by this time. I knew I was killing myself, but I couldn't stop.

By now I was bingeing everywhere. What I didn't know was that my pancreas was over-producing insulin and I was nearing the door of adult onset diabetes. I had serious hyperinsulinemia or reactive hypoglycemia. My secrets were going to kill me if I didn't find the way back to sanity.

 I remember stopping the car one day on my way home from work. I pulled to the side of the road and prayed. I bargained. "Show me the way and I'll do whatever it is and then....I'll spend the rest of my life helping others." The answer came in a strange way the very next day. Information came to me that explained what had been happening over the years. But, the way back to food sanity was going to be a rough haul for me. I would have to change everything. Once again I was paralyzed with fear. "What if I couldn't do it??" I felt the fear was a very strange sensation. I knew intuitively that help was on the way.

 I was now on a quest and strangely enough had to fight others in order to live my new life. This was unexpected...more than food and secrets had to change if I was to truly live the life I had been given.

If you are new to my work, I invite you to visit my websites and mp3 programs. If you have questions, please feel free to contact me directly. 

Inside Commitment and the Spiritual Connection

The Anatomy of the Inner Self was the name I decided for my personal blog. I probably should have called it "My Inner Self", but since I'm going to share reminiscences of others who have taught me through the years, I decided to leave it as is.

Yes, I will be writing about my work because this is such a big part of me. What's interesting is that I've become my own patient and the work I've written and recorded as come to bring me back to a new beginning, not the place I left. I am grateful for what I've been given and even more grateful for having it ready, willing and able to serve me now at this juncture in my life.

Unlike my professional blogs, this personal blog will follow no special rules. Remember the movie "Mermaids?" The character played by Winona Ryder had many similarities to my young self. I wanted to believe that God would come down to save me from my life "as it was." I played at being a "good girl", but inside of me there was another part that wasn't all that nice.

At times I truly believed I was destined to go to hell, and each Saturday when I went to confession Father Joe would peek through the curtain and reassure me that I was right. I was a "sinner"....a seven year old sinner! How ridiculous! As the years went by I lost "faith" .....or did I? I thought I did, but as I look back what I lost was not "faith", but the Knowledge that fear was not the path for me. Yes, fear is a great motivator, but not for the long term. This is where "Spirit" comes in....

Spirit is always present, always has answers, and a Light to show the way. Spirit provides lessons, some more difficult than others, but all come with rewards for moving through the difficult bumps in the road. In my last blog post I wrote about commitment and the difference between desire and fully committing to a goal "of sorts." I'm not all that keen on the word "goal", although I utilize it for myself and my patients. Words are needed to help us identify things, so the word "goal" helps. But, setting a goal is not enough.

There is no energy in just setting it....all things "desired" need energy, some much more than others. Sometimes we need "hot desire" or energy. We may need this for a short term or a long term. We may need to keep it in reserve for difficult moments. As time goes on with a particular "goal", we may not need it as often, but most of the time it's a good idea to have a dose ready. I know it's been this way for me.

 I've been practicing commitment for decades. I believe my Spiritual Guides have assisted me BEFORE I came to understand how to do this work for myself. I also believe I've been given these lessons so I could teach them to others. These beliefs have nothing to do with Father Joe and the confessional or any part of being fearful of God or going to hell. In this blog I will share some experiences with you, then give you tools I've been "told" to develop over the years. I believe the things I have learned come from a Higher Source. I have no other explanation.

When I work directly with patients, as I have for over four decades, I can feel the energy flowing through me. Where does this come from? I've asked myself this for the same number of decades. I believe it is my Spiritual Self giving me the information that is needed. Now, you might wonder, if my Spiritual Self knows so much, why do I have to go through this "commitment thing"?

I believe we are all in a big school and we get all sorts of lessons depending on the level we are living. I've worked through at least six big commitments. What I gained through these trials and tribulations, including near death experiences, have given me the tools for helping others. Yet, I'm still learning, so I'm convinced this is still a "school." Most of my work that is available on mp3 downloads and through my books and ebooks comes through my life experiences as a professional clinical RN and therapist.

Besides my credentials, I am a survivor of many aspects of my life. Over the years I have learned how to teach/guide others to find this power within themselves. I believe this is my purpose. I've had many big fights with myself. Some nearly killed me. My food issues come to mind. I've been a binge and disorderly eater since early childhood. I can remember bingeing at age three. I've been a secret eater, anorexic and bulimic. I've abused alcohol and prescription medications. When I was in nursing school this was commonplace. But food issues almost killed me.

 I knocked on the door of adult onset diabetes many times. I was saved by my Spiritual Self. I've shared this story in my books, but maybe I'll share it here some other time....not today. When Spirit saved me it was in answer to a direct prayer. I didn't like the answer.....I had to change just about everything, but I had COMMITTED in the prayer. OMG! When I prayed I had no idea what I was going to be asked to do. That was over three decades ago. The prayer saved my life and through my recovery I've helped thousands of others to make those changes. It is possible and when one comes out the other side of the dark forest, life is incredible.

 I still listen to my own work, because I BELIEVE this work was channeled through me. While my commitment for 2015 has to do with my writing, I still must take care of other areas of my life that have been cleaned and cleared. This includes my eating issues and other compulsive tendencies. I need good, sound stress management. I need to take care of my mind, body and Spirit. When my son died three years ago I found myself sitting at the side of a stream, mesmerized by my own grief. I came to understand that I would be saved by returning to my earlier commitments. Here are two programs of mine that I listened to today.....I was guided by Spirit to choose these and share this with you.
Whenever working on new commitments one needs to refresh old ones. For me this meant dealing with my sugar/food issues and reviewing techniques of visualization....the heart of placing my new commitment into my subconscious mind. If you have eating issues, need help with learning the tools of working with your creative mind, setting up goals or organizing new commitments, I invite you to visit my websites and catalog.All programs are download now and affordable.

Beginning Once Again...

Welcome 2015!  I've worked through three years of grief following the loss of my son.  It is time for me now. I've been waiting.'s the New Year, isn't it? I'm not into resolutions. That word is not powerful enough for me. I do like to start "again" clean and clear up an area of my life. This year I'm taking on one of my biggest own "creative mind."

 Sometimes we simply don't see our own chaos. I'm no stranger to this. Right now I'm sitting in the middle of my work of several decades. Most of it lives in my office, but a big part of it resides in my mind. I don't like it here. Part of me wants to run away, pretending that it doesn't exist. The other part of me wants to delve into my big mess and explore what is in each pile and file. There are binders filled with blogs, articles, parts of books, some further along than others. There are notes, suggestions, affirmations, links to websites that interested me.

I'm never without a pen and notebook for writing ideas, etc. These all live in my files. They drive me crazy. I can't let go of them, but they are overwhelming. My emotions are a mixture of confusion, delight, anxiety, anticipation, joy, anger and despondency. This is the "Ying Yang" of my creative mind. I love it and despise it. It has held me captive for most of my life. This is the year I've committed to "taking it on."

Deciding and committing are very different mind states for me. Oh, I have no difficulty in deciding many things, but committing....well, that is frightening. Just the thought makes my blood run cold. I do not commit easily. For me, committing is a Sacred Pact with my Spiritual Self. In the past I've been successful with committing.

I think I learned this as a child. Being brought up Catholic, I had plenty of practice during Lent. I remember having to commit to giving up things I loved. I often tried to cheat by choosing things I didn't care all that much about like giving up "bubble gum." I was never really into bubble gum, but there was that part of me that knew I was cheating God. Worse, I believed that God knew I was cheating and that scared the "be-Jesus" out of me. I was sure I would go to hell, just like Father Joe yelled at the congregation each Sunday. I didn't want to go to hell, so, I gave up something I really loved like going to the movies, never thinking that the new Disney flick was coming for one week only. I remember sitting in my bedroom crying at my bad luck. The movie was Dumbo. I still remember how I felt when all the other kids were talking about it. But, I also remember another feeling I had......I had kept my commitment!

That has served me well throughout my life. But...I'm still careful about committing. It always has a price. One of my biggest problems is that I want to do everything. I'm sure those of you who are reading the personal blog post understand this. This is the precursor of chaos. No one can do everything. No one can keep everything. No one can buy everything. This is not how one finds peace and contentment.

Commitment can help, but if we are not realistic, then commitment can work against us. We set ourselves up for failure. So, I think about my special commitment for this year. I really want to do this, but it is "huge." Of course, this frightens me, but the fear is the creative energy that I will transmute. I know the way, but I have put this off for several years due to the death of my son. My concentration was not where it needed to be to take on this commitment. I'm better now....I've transmuted much of my grief into positive energy that I will use to take this project forward. It will not happen over-night. Nothing does.

 WHERE I'M AT... It's already January 9th. Nine days of the New Year have passed and I haven't done anything but think about what I want to achieve. I've accepted that I will never be able to write all the books that I have planned. This is an impossible expectation. That alone is a big step for me in this area of my life. I've always been a prolific writer/producer, but I do have limitations. I carried ten binders to what I call my "direct work space." This is like a "holding area" for prioritizing. It is a step in the right direction, but it is still possible for me to stall here.

I'm great at moving things and organizing, but it is still dangerous. I know this about myself. Oh, how difficult it is to know oneself. It's much easier to live in my creative mind space and just think about what I'd like to do. There is a power in "not thinking and not seeing". I've done that in other parts of my life, ending up shocked at the chaos and clutter that filled areas of my life without my seeing it at all. I've opened drawers without noticing what's in them. My closet holds clothes I haven't thought about in years. I move them around, but don't see them. There are things in my kitchen that are foreign to me. These are gadgets that I bought for some reason. Now I don't remember why.I move them around when looking for my favorite mixing spoon, but have no relationship with them whatsoever. I don't even think to get rid of them. That's how blind I've become in that area of my life.

I believe we all have a purpose in life. I've started journaling and meditating, asking my Higher Self to guide me through this commitment. I know I need guidance to move me through the piles of work before me. It's interesting what happens when I approach my chaos in this way. I tend to lose my anxiety and panic over what I perceive as a mess. The papers seem to organize themselves into some sort of order. I've been asked to define my most precious interests and to care for them as I care for those I love, for these are also my children. So...I take these "children" to a special area of my workplace. They include disorderly and secret eating issues, stress and disease prevention, learning self-hypnosis and applying hypnosis to lifestyle change.

 I am committed to producing additional ebooks on these subjects to add to those I've already written and published. I have also committed to writing a book that has been in process for several years on nail biting and skin picking....issues from my own childhood. And....I have committed to publishing two novels I have in re-write at this time. One is dedicated to my son Michael, and the other is a murder mystery I wrote for my own enjoyment...if murder can be seen as "enjoyment."

 For those of you not familiar with my work in the field of Interactive Self-Hypnosis, I invite you to visit my websites and my author's page. If you are looking to change what's not working for you, or if you want to move forward in areas of your life that are "waiting"...I'm sure you will enjoy this unique process of self-development. For the next few weeks I'll walk you through my "creative mind". You can look over my shoulder and even climb into my "spiritual body" if you feel so inclined. Here you can "feel" what it's like to be on purpose, to stay there through thick and thin, and come out the other side....stronger than before....just like I did so many years ago when I was a practicing Catholic. Now...I'm a practicing "Spiritual Being", no longer afraid because I'm not alone. I wish all of you a very Happy and Successful New Year. Remember...prosperity is carried in both the mind and body...not just in your bank account! Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht