INSIDE MY JOURNAL
Taking time to go back and review my past, especially my relationship with food. While I didn't start off to do this, the subject kept emerging as I continued to write "automatically" in my journal. If you haven't ever experienced "automatic writing", you might want to try it. I do have an mp3 Download for this technique. All my programs are Interactive Self-Hypnosis Sessions and are available on my websites.
My food issues have driven my life. In the past I've beaten myself up about them, especially those kept "in secret." Many I've never shared, not even with those closest to me. Today when journaling I asked myself "why"? I'm past the guilt and shame, at least I think so. I have owned my past, and have come to terms with many things in my "shadow bag." I've just never felt that sharing was all that important, unless the experiences I had were going to help someone else. I did share some of my eating experiences with my patients, and also in my books.
This time around with my journal I've found more experiences coming forward, rather like garbage that I forgot to take out. Last night I shared some things with my husband who, for some reason, seemed interested in my resurgence into this topic. I guess he thought I was through with it, but as I told him, "it returned with a vengeance." I'm not exactly sure why, but it was triggered by my last visit to the supermarket and perhaps all the advertisements on TV about fast weight loss, etc. It made the hairs on my neck stand up.
My subconscious mind went back to the exact day I began to live my life differently in my relationship with food. I haven't been divorced, but I can equate this to waking up one morning in a "different life." I had similar experiences in my life when I had surgery. I also recalled something similar when my husband had a small stroke, and then when we received the phone call that our son had died while rock climbing in Colombia, SA. I walked into a new life, and not by choice.
As for my my food issues, it was by choice, but not by all of me. My "undisciplined child-self" wanted no part of it and would fight with me for many months to come. I didn't walk into this day without some sort of plan, but as time wore on, the plan had to be altered many times, BUT I was determined not to go back to what I was doing. For me, because I'm a compulsive person and a high achiever, I found it easier to get rid of many problem areas at the same time. This was rough, especially for the "child-self" who screamed all the way through, even threatening me with horrible thoughts.
It was like living with a monster child. My saving grace was my Knowledge of meditation and self-hypnotic tools. But, I still had to deal with the changes my body was experiencing from the years of abuse. I wasn't going to get away so quickly. I equated it to walking through a dark forest with a twinkling of light coming through the trees.
Every day would take me closer to becoming free. I did the usual clean-out of the refrigerator, cupboards and my other hiding places. I threw out all of my diet soda, opening each can and draining the bubbles down the sink. I felt like crying. This awakened me in a way I had not expected. Goodness, I was so emotional over soda! I was taught as a child to never throw out food, so I spent a few moments asking for forgiveness and promising never to buy these things again. I had made mistakes and by throwing them away, I was rectifying my errors. "Nice try," said the "child-self." "Just wait!"
I made a shopping list, gagging through it. I came to realize that I wasn't all that keen on healthy foods, and certainly not on meal planning. Procrastination moved right in, making it difficult for me to come up with anything rational for a week's shopping. The "child-self" yelled "no, no, no." I was taking away her spontaneity and freedom to eat whatever and whenever she wanted. She didn't want regular meals. "!@#$% that" was her nasty response.
I remember the night I threw out a bag of jelly beans left over from Easter. I woke in the night thinking about them. Imagine, waking up and thinking about jelly beans??!! I was horrified to see these parts of myself emerge, even during sleep. The "child" suggested we take the jelly beans out of the trash, wash them off, and eat them in front of the television "in the dark." The ritual was clear and highly motivated by the "child." I could sense my body moving out of bed and towards the trash. "Just this one time," said the "child."
Oh, I had heard that story before and for decades it remained the same. There were so many stories, some more complicated than others, but all embedded in a ritual of sorts. The "Child" had many motivational tools and emotions, some cunning and others completely outrageous. On this particular night I fought her all the way into the kitchen garbage. I found the bottle of dish washing liquid and poured a good measure on top of the jelly beans, then shoved them down to mix with the other trash. I made my way to the sofa, but refused to turn on the television. I knew I had to break more of the ritual. I started a "body scan" also called "mental biofeedback."
Then, I turned to a prayer/meditation. I asked my "child-self" to sit next to me. At first she refused, giving me her back and calling me some vicious names and spewed threats. I continued to meditate and pray. I'm not a religious person, even though I was brought up in the Catholic church. I am a believer in a Higher Power and I knew I was being tested and would continue to be tested. This I had to accept. Strangely enough, there was a part of me that was "interested" in what those lessons would be and how much awareness I would receive. This response came through my subconscious mind. I came to find out in the days and months that followed that the journey would be arduous, but the growth would be in many more areas than just food. And...I would survive!!
I posted a free mp3 download in the blog before this one. Please scroll for it. It is Affirmations for Change. If you haven't experienced Imagery and Imaginology in the past, you will get a pleasant taste of it here. I do listen to my own work. This one I reviewed again last week as I am into making new changes in my life for 2015. No matter what you are looking to change....big or small...this will help you to settle in.
If you are working through any sort of "disorderly eating," be it for permanent weight loss, managing food or sugar/carbohydrate issues, or self-discipline, have a look through my Sessions on Amazon.com or on my websites. Some of my ebooks on Amazon come with mp3 downloads embedded in them. I suggest you begin with The Food Connection, even if you don't believe you have a sugar issue. You might be surprised, especially if your family medical history includes any of the killer diseases including diabetes, heart disease, circulatory disease, certain cancers, or addictions. It's time to wake-up and understand how your body physiology works in burning fat and staying healthy without hunger and fatigue. The links to all of these are in my last blog. If you have specific questions, feel free to contact me.
Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist